After the Bubbly

Ten Lessons from the Junior League

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Junior League lessons

Boas, leis, plastic hats and tiaras– more important lessons from the Junior League.

All I need to know I learned in the Junior League. Okay, so maybe I picked up a few things elsewhere, but the Junior League has been the source for so many good things in my life. I’m talking about Junior League here because that’s my group, but there are other organizations of women. While they all have challenges, there are particular things that I could not have learned anywhere else. Whatever you think about the Junior League in particular, and women’s organizations in general, I offer here my experience.

10 things I’ve learned so far:

1. Best friends help you hide the body.
Nothing builds team faster than getting a job done. Take your ropes courses and your weird corporate ice-breakers. Give me a room full of women–the shy ones, the bossy ones, the ones that make you spit Chardonnay out your nose–and let’s get to work on something for someone else. We might complain a little, but we’ll get the job done and we’ll love each other more in the end. (Or not, and that’s okay too.)

2. When in doubt, serve something salty, something sweet, and a soda.
Oh, to be a real Southerner and know these things. Alas, I am not. While I often feel like a stranger in the strange land of hospitality, I have also learned to adopt the ways of these creatures who seem to have been imbued at birth with the ability to make guests feel at home. I keep trying. What I’ve learned so far is that it doesn’t have to be fancy. A salty, a sweet, and something to wash it all down goes a long way toward making life a little more pleasant.

3. It really does make a difference when the name tags match the invitations match the napkins.
Okay, it doesn’t, but it does. I am not one to complicate a simple situation, and not a fan of making everything “special,” which nearly always results in a giant competition of who and what can be the most special of all the very special goings on. Some of my favorite gatherings have taken place on a driveway around a box of wine. But when you are going for special–sparingly, mind you–the details matter. And they don’t have to be overwhelming or over-the-top. Steer clear of Pinterest for this one. Call the hostess you love best instead.

4. We can do more than we think we are capable of, always, every time.
We are bigger together. We are better together. That part is obvious. I can accomplish more with a team than I can all by myself. But even when we’re all alone, just having a support system in place makes me more confident. I have infrastructure, and help. I have a network of women who will push me up, along, and out of bed if needed in order to get the  job done. And it doesn’t matter whether that job is at home, at work, or in the League.

5. Public speaking won’t kill you. 
I learned to speak in public at the general meeting. And guess what? I shook, I sweated, I fumbled all my words. But I didn’t die. And it was kind of fun. I found my voice and I learned to use it to affect change in the room and in the community. So if you’re ever asked to get up in front of a group of women and speak, do it. Make words through the terror and then get up and do it again next time.

6. Everything in life is easier with friends, especially bossy ones.
Sometimes you just need a wingwoman, someone who is there for you, who gets you at least a little. When you join an association of women like the Junior League, your network is built in. Even the horrors of public speaking are minimized when you have a kind face in the front row, cheering you on. Treasure those friendships you make in the League. You never know where they will lead. Seriously, never underestimate the power of women coming together for a common goal.

7. If you don’t have a friend in the room, you can always make one.
And for those times when you don’t know a soul in the place, the League gives you valuable tools to get to know them. Need a friend? Just ask. What’s your placement? Where are you from? Why do you supposed they chose these horrible t-shirts? And if all that fails, feign interest until you can safely move on to the next potential friend.

8. Cause for celebration is everywhere.
We’re back to the Southern thing, because that’s where I found myself in the Junior League, but I suspect there are Yankees capable of whipping up an Arbor Day cocktail hour or a National Pencil Week potluck. Celebrating success is so important to future success. Sometimes we need a theme in order to feel entitled to celebrate the success of an ordinary day. So bring it on, birthday of the inventor of the Cupcake. I eat frosting in honor of thee!

9. Everyone else is not the leader. You are the leader.
I have had a few strongly worded discussions over the years about what is a leader, and whether or not all members of the League, or any organization, are interested in taking on “leadership” roles. Here’s the deal. If you’re at a committee meeting, you’re a leader. Someone is looking up to you, or not even up so much as at–they are looking at you to get something done. Someone hopes you have the answers, or at least the stilettos to fake a solution until the right one comes along. You are the leader. Act accordingly

10. Yes, there will always be “those girls.” What’s your point?
A lot of the criticism I hear about the Junior League is based in misinformation, but the complaint that the League is full of “those girls” is true. So what? Look around. They are everywhere. I dare you to find a concentration of women where there is not a contingent of the kind of back-biting, stuck up, materialistic morons we all hoped we left behind in middle school. What I know to be true is that organizations of women also attract the kind of women I most want to be around. Smart, sexy, seriously capable, and most-of-the-time immune to the petty things that are bound to creep into our interactions.

For most of my adult life, I have made my best friends in the Junior League. And as one of them likes to say, “That’s not nothing.”

Need a fun program for the coming year? Invite me to speak this fall, or at any of your 2014 events! Your members, all busy women who find time to give back to their communities, leave feeling appreciated and inspired. I love to speak to groups of women. If you need a speaker for your women’s group meeting, let me know. I have several programs available or I can tailor one to fit your specific needs. 

A Note to the Woman’s Magazine

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KWL_8226

A note to the woman’s magazine who promised me a week of easy weeknight recipes. You are a liar.

It was incredibly uncool when you lured me in with a crock pot recipe, only to find when I went to make it that it was not a normal crock pot recipe, not the kind we like, the kind that crock pots were invented for, the kind where you dump everything into the pot and hit the on switch. Oh, but no. This was one of those faker crock pot recipes where you have to cook the entire dish and THEN put it in the pot, where the flavors presumably blend. That is not a cool way to entice me to rip your cute little menu plan out of the magazine and attempt to follow it.

Also not cool: Pictures that don’t match the recipe. I understand why you did it. Those lentils looked a whole lot prettier WITHOUT the greek yogurt mixed in. I’m not saying they didn’t taste delicious, but did you have to confuse me like that?

Wait, where do I put the yogurt? In WITH the lentils? Because in the picture they are all brown. 

Brown, you know, like lentils always are. Except when you mix them with yogurt, which you have to admit is a bit odd.

And finally, the last straw was not that you made me buy Panko bread crumbs–and what is panko, anyway? Japanese for bread? It’s an easily enough acquired ingredient. My frustration was born when you had the nerve to ask me to TOAST the breadcrumbs. Toast them. What am I? Anthony Bourdain? And why toast breadcrumbs, only to then dunk fish in them and BAKE them. Is baking not essentially toasting? Too many steps.

Toasting breadcrumbs. Please. I could have made my own damn breadcrumbs. And if I had time to do that, I’d make the bread. And what is this racket with “panko” anyway? Who came up with that? There isn’t even any FLAVOR on those things. I could have just shaken the crumbs from the bottom of the bag of bread I ALREADY HAD. Panko. Last time I fall for that.

I know I am partially to blame. I was all too eager to believe your little story of tasty ease. I’m wiser now. I see through your lies and I’ll be wary to trust again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Pinterest.

Photo Credit: kennymatic via Compfight cc

Funny Mom Tracy Beckerman, Found in Suburbia

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funny books for women
Tracy Beckerman is a very funny mom. I met her on a rooftop party in San Diego during BlogHer’11 at one of those exclusive brand parties I don’t really get invited to. When a girl’s got friends, she sometimes get’s put on the list. Anyway, I was drinking a dirty martini and chatting up various bloggers and other funny moms I knew or did not know when I saw HER through the crowd.
Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod it’s Tracy Beckerman! 

[Note: I only said that in my head.]

Anyway, here was THE Tracy Beckerman, of the syndicated humor column, Lost in Suburbia, of the collection, Rebel Without a Minivan, of the TODAY Show! And, most notably (not) of my own book proposal for Blacklisted from the PTA. Tracy Beckerman was a comp! I wanted to meet her because I thought I could learn a lot from her, professionally. What I ended up learning was that I really liked her, that she was not only smart and funny, but also kind and generous, as evidenced by her willingness to pose with annoying newbie writers who pester for dual selfies. And despite Tracy’s very funny telling of the migration through the Mother Land, this is a woman who never lost her cool. Not for long, anyway.

Tracy has a new book out this year, Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir, How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs. The book is fantastic and completely relatable, especially to moms like me who plunged into StayHomeMothery rather reluctantly. I highly recommend this funny book for your book club. (Because really, how much literary angst can you take?)
Tracy was kind enough to grant us an audience. Here’s what she had to say!

Interview with Funny Mom Tracy Beckerman

LD: You write about getting your cool back. Is there any hope for moms who didn’t find their cool before having kids, or are they doomed to minivan purgatory until the kids leave home? 
TB: I think cool is an individual thing. I know plenty of moms who rock their minivans and make pink and green outfits look like the coolest thing since fingerless gloves.  It’s really about what you feel defines you and then holding onto, or at the very least, getting your personal cool back after your kids are born and not giving in to someone else’s idea of what you should be, or look like,  or drive,  just because you’re a mom.
LD: Oh! Thank you for reminding me about fingerless gloves. I’m digging those out now. Do you have any specific memories of when “found your voice” as they say? Was it a gradual thing or have you always written this way? 
TB: I went back recently and read some of my columns from a decade ago and was surprised that my voice was already there in those early essays.  I hadn’t really developed a consistent writing style yet, but I can definitely see “me” in there.  It was fun to revisit those, but as with any skill where you have grown and matured, it can also be a little painful to see some of the missteps of your early efforts.
LD: I like some of my older stuff better, things I wrote before I anyone was watching. Now, about Suburbia, it gets a bad rap. What is the best thing about living in the burbs? (Other than square footage, of course.) 
TB: Parking.  And having a car to park.
LD: You’re sitting around in your bathrobe on a Sunday afternoon (not Monday morning in the carpool lane), are you reading? If so, what? 
TB: Sadly, I have not had a chance to read anything for the past year. Between writing my book and promoting it, I just simply have not had the time. And that’s a drag because I love to read. But when I do have time, I love anything by Barbara Kingsolver, Sue Monk Kidd, and Michael Chabon. I also love contemporary female humorists including Celia Rivenbark, Susan Reinhardt, Laurie Notaro and Jen Lancaster… and you, of course!  I am also an unapologetic Jane Austen fan and have probably read Pride and Prejudice a dozen times!
LD: You are too kind putting me on that list. I like you. Do you have any writing mentors? 
TB: Of course I love Erma Bombeck. Any female humor writer who writes about life at home knows that Erma was the original Mommy Blogger and she really set the bar for those of us who follow in her footsteps today.  I  think anyone who can be funny without being crass, who can find the humor in things that everyone else sees as infuriating, and who can help other people find the joy in parenting through her words is certainly worth emulating.
LD: I enjoy a little crass myself, but I agree with you it can be a challenge to make people laugh without being offensive, or mean. Mean is a big genre. Is there anything else you find particularly challenging about the writing process? (You know, other than the writing.)
TB: I hate when I have to take a break from writing to do things like feed the kids. This might be the reason my kids have developed such a fondness for instant macaroni and cheese. Usually if I’m having a streak of inspiration I’ll put a bowl of food on the floor and let the kids and the dog duke it out. First one to the bowl gets to eat.
LD: Sounds like suburban cage fighting. I love it. Speaking of… do you plan to kill off any of your characters?
TB: I’m a pacifist. I don’t advocate violence.  However, there is there is one mom who shall go nameless (unless you read my book and then you’ll probably know who I’m talking about) that I might consider pushing into the path of a slowly moving minivan. But only in a book. I would never hurt anyone in real life… unless they did something awful like tried to sneak 15 items on the 12 items or less checkout line, and I then, only if I really, really thought I could get away with it!
Thank you, Tracy, for hanging out with us. I know I feel a little cooler for having chatted with you.
Also, Tracy is giving one lucky winner a signed copy of her new book AND a travel pack of summer skin care products from Theraderm! I told you she was cool.
Do you have any questions for Tracy? I bet she’d answer. Leave them in the comments and we’ll put your name in the virtual hat! Picking a winner on Friday, June 14th at noon. 
GIVEAWAY is now closed. Congrats to Angie!

Listen To Your Mother 2013

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We will have pretty pictures soon, but I wanted to get my thoughts down before any more time passed. Because it’s been a week! A week since our sophomore effort in the Listen To Your Mother game. And I’ve still not quite got my thoughts together. But here they are, for what it’s worth.

I chose the image above because it represents my favorite part about this show. No, not the obsessive over-eyeliner-ing and the pageant hair, but the relationships. This show brings together people from very different backgrounds, who have very different experiences of motherhood. Maybe you can’t see it in this picture, because I’m no photographer, but there was a load of bonding going on under those lights. There were nerves to be soothed before the stories could be shared.

Read the rest of this post on the Listen To Your Mother site

After the Promposal, Before the Prom, You Gotta Have the Pics!

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80s prom

This is how we did prom pictures old school, with balloons and tissue paper.

Chances are your prom picture featured a butcher paper background with glitter and a bucket full of carnations, or perhaps an archway made of balloons. Those old photo-ops are still around, but more kids are opting for a professional, pre-prom photo shoot to capture the day.

The genius marketing strategy of the photography industry has become a booming business, and St. Louis photographer Dana Tate is part of the growing trend. Tate started offering pre-prom sessions after girls brought their prom dresses to senior photo sessions.

“If you go ahead and take the [senior] pictures on prom day, their hair is done and their makeup is done,” says Tate, who averages $250 for a pre-prom photo shoot and says her clients’ families are already spending up to $1,000 for a rite of passage that has become more elaborate in terms of dresses, hair, nails, and before all that, the promposal.

Read the rest of this post on TODAY Moms

Or you can read the reactions on Wetpaint and Jezebel!

YES, Jezebel.

She Died With an Empty Inbox

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stop answering email

An empty inbox is not a worthy goal. You know that, I know it, and yet we still succumb to it. Email is our evil master sucking precious minutes and hours from our day. Down with email! Okay, so maybe the problem isn’t the messenger (or the message for that matter). Maybe the problem is us. We give in to the lure of the delusional idea that if we just take care of a few more things–those things in our email–we will be “done.” And doesn’t that feel so good? To be done, to check that item off the list?

But what is the point? An empty inbox means nothing other than you have appeased every minor or major request for your time. Happy dance to you, friend. But guess what? That sucker will be full again tomorrow.

Email is not a to-do list

If I told you to let me tell what to do all day tomorrow, that I’d make you a list and you would do the things on that list in the order I dictated, most of you would ignore me. Why would you let me plan your day? And yet, that’s exactly what you’re letting your inbox do to you. It’s like a running to-do list, one that never ends. While you’re checking things off your list by clearing them out of your inbox, you are not making progress toward your larger goals. Oh, sure, every once in a while others’ goals align with yours so you may indeed be accomplishing some discrete tasks in service of to some of your goals, you are certainly not doing it on your time and not according to your priorities.

Big goals don’t get done unless you do them. You won’t do them if you don’t prioritize them. Where exactly does answering email fit in to accomplishing big goals?

I spoke to the Arkansas Children’s Hospital Foundation Circle of Friends this past weekend about making time for the things that are truly important by taking time away from things that are not important at all. Number 2 on my list: Stop answering email. Of course, I don’t mean stop answering it altogether, but stop using it as a way to procrastinate, or worse, as your to-do list.

Email is not a goal

You have important things to do. Do them on your schedule and get efficient. I’m taking my own advice today. I hope tomorrow, too.

We have the technology, my Bionic Friends! Use them. Set up filters, separate inboxes, etc. I use Gmail so I have four inboxes set up: Important & Unread, Starred, Pending, and Everything Else. Gmail does a pretty good job at knowing what is important to me. Once I open an email, I take action right away, star the message to indicate I need to take action on it today (or, you know, within a week), archive/delete, or let it go to Everything Else (because it is now “read.”) That Pending category can be put to better use and I’m open to suggestions.

In theory I don’t have to check that Everything Else box very often. Twice a day would be awesome. It never works that way. In part because I’m on my phone a lot and those boxes don’t seem to work the same way there. Also because I like the satisfaction of clearing out messages and I know most of what end up in Everything Else is easy to clear. I get a little pat on the virtual back for checking that email and taking action. It’s called closure. It’s toxic.

It’s a gateway drug, all that clicking and clearing. It leads you down a long and lonely road that ends when you fall in bed at night with a stiff neck and the sick feeling that you’ve let another day pass without making significant progress on your own Big Important To-Do List.

Why do we keep going back for more email?

Sometimes I answer email because I’m so overwhelmed with everything I *think* I need to do. Taking care of the small tasks that land in my inbox makes me feel in control. Sound familiar? But if I give in, if WE give in, the big stuff doesn’t get done. Be strong. Stop answering email. Do it for your country. Do it for your kids. Do it because email is not the boss of you.

So stop trying to die with an empty inbox, because that shit’ll kill you.

I know you all have a lot of great solutions. Please share!

And if you’d like me to speak to your group, about email, marketing, work/life balance (which is a total crock), or anything else, please let me know.

Photo Credit: xJason.Rogersx via Compfight cc

40 Days of Yoga and the Big Lie About Habits

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40 days yoga

In February I finally committed to and completed 40 days in a row of yoga, Baron Baptist flow style. I had wanted to do this for a long time for a lot of reasons.

I wanted a more consistent home yoga practice, because $15 a class is a bargain, but it adds up. Plus that pesky to and fro to the lovely studio is not always schedule-friendly.

I also wanted to work on my form. You know, go deep into my practice, whatever that means.

And then there’s the fact that I had a trip to Cancun looming and I wanted to feel confident in a bikini.

So there we were in February. Too cold to walk outside. Too soon after Christmas to justify an unlimited pass at the studio. And a friend had recently helped me reorganize and decorate my home office, with plenty of space for the mat. This was my moment, my Lentish intention to a daily yoga practice was born with a flourish of orange chalk on my brand new 6×8 foot chalkboard.

With the help of several free yoga podcasts, I started.

I knew for sure that once I completed the 40 days, a mat habit for life would be mine.  Forever after I would not have to ponder how to stay in shape or calm my nerves or focus my mind. Never again would I fight myself to get onto that mat. I would simply submit to the power of habit, letting my body follow the neural paths created during those 40 days of habit forming Hell. I mean, delightful discipline.

Because you know the drill. It takes 30 days or 40 days or 60 days to create a habit that sticks. I am a sucker for a formula. Any formula. And I have believed every single person who told me that this one would work. The only thing holding me back were those 40 days.

That’s science, right?

Wrong. It’s bullshit. Nothing sticks. At least, not the good stuff. Negative habits are easier to adopt. But for the positive things we all ought to do more of, there is no magic, no easy out, no get rich quick. You have to choose over and over. That’s what I know for sure now. This knowledge is valuable, but it still sort of sucks.

I felt amazing during the 40 days. I was strong, slept well, worked better, and looked okay in a bikini. (I’m a 43 years old mother of two, short, and not anorexic. Okay is about six levels up from bikini confidence than I can reasonably expect.) But as soon as it was over, it was over.

You can see in the image the weeks’ of hash marks and the smiley faces I gave myself when I’d completed one. (You can also see the X’s where I skipped a day, and my daughter’s note of “shame.” We need to work on that.) I felt so good on Day 40 that I KNEW this was a regular thing now. I started a new row of hash marks above the original tracking.

There are 8 marks.

Those 8 days were not consecutive.

Habit FAIL.

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a long time. But I’ve been distracted (I wonder why) and more importantly, I was not sure what I had learned. Now I know.

40 Days of Yoga Taught Me:

  • 6 weeks is not as long as you think.
  • Nothing is off limits, even twists, even when you have a trick rib.
  • A lot of dust and dog hair accumulates under my computer armoire.
  • Even things that feel great won’t ever be automatic.
  • Transformation can happen 20 minutes at a time.

Also, looking at that chalkboard-worthy accomplishment/failure isn’t doing me any favors. It’s time to erase it and move on to a new ambitious goal. Stay tuned. You never know what’s going to hit my chalkboard next.

Have you committed to a big goal lately? How’d that work out for you?

What’s In Your Lunch Box?

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lunch box ideas

When iVillage asked me to round up some typical lunch box inventories I was all like, “Sure!” Because that’s what you say when you are a freelance writer. Then I had to get deep into the research, because the lunches coming out of this house are not exactly exotic.

While we are a very pro-Take-Your-Lunch family, I can’t remember the last time I actually packed a kid’s lunch. During my lunch-packing days I played old school with a sandwich, a fruit, and something treat-y. You know, rice cakes or a fiber bar. We’re crazy like that. This is a far cry from the Hostess Snowballs and Doritos I ate every day of my elementary school life (except for the days I ate those pies…) but by no means have I ever made any kind of hardcore nutritional statement other than Eat Real Food. It worked. The kids are trained. They pack their own lunches now, with a sandwich, a fruit, and a treat-y thingie.

My husband makes the six-ingredient sandwiches. I make the coffee and empty the dishwasher. It’s not exciting.

However, some of you are killing it in the lunch department.

Click here to find out how the rest of the kids eat, on iVillage

Photo Credit: markwgallagher via Compfight cc

Dear Teenagers: Yes, Sex Was a Thing Back Then

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So the other day I was crowd-sourcing my Toyota for story pitch ideas… We started talking about prom and pictures and limos, etc. These were not unique story angles. I needed something to work with.

“What else are they doing?” I asked.

My son thought about my question before offering this super secret insider intel:

“Well, a lot of people plan to have sex after prom.”

I just looked at him. Really?

Not really, as in oh my heavens no, kids actually have sex? More like really, that’s all you got?

“Oh,” he said. “I guess that’s already a thing?”

For a while now, yes. Except when it comes to your prom. Because we made that deal, remember?

Photo Credit: Evil Erin via Compfight cc

Rogers Water Park in My Backyard

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Rogers Aquatic Center

These are the people who I will be taking to the Rogers Water Park any time they want. Why? Because it is about five minutes from my house, it’s awesome, and as water parks go, it is practically free.

(They might have said: “How many pictures are there going to be? Seriously. MOM.”)

Way to go City of Rogers!

Also, technically it’s called the Rogers Aquatics Center, but we’re not holding that against them.

Check out their Facebook page here.

 

Rogers Aquatics Center slides

These are the high speed slides. Going down one of these was described by my 12-year-old daughter as “the worst mistake of my life.” A mother can only hope.

Also, check out that pool in front, and the wall. That’s actually a climbing wall. And it’s awesome.

super fast water slide

Another shot of the slide I won’t be riding. Free fall? No, thank you.

Rogers Aquatics Center slides

In addition to the two high speed slides, Rogers Water Park has two swirly slides and something called the Toilet Bowl. For real. You circle a big bowl until you get “flushed” out the bottom. Say what you will, it was my kids’ favorite.

At the bottom of this shot you can see the lazy river.

Yes, I could have gotten better pictures, but it’s not cool taking pictures of other people’s children in bathing suits. We agree on that, right?

lap pool at Rogers Aquatic center

Speaking of weirdoes, the Rogers Aquatic Center employs state of the art surveillance to protect your kids. It’s SUPER Big Brother, and The Mama is okay with that.

Anyway, here is the lap pool where they plan to have dedicated exercise times and can even host small swim meets.

You probably won’t see me there. rogers water part

Here are the  happy park hoppers 4.5 seconds before they made that other face, the one that meant it was time to leave.

rogers water park

Slides!

rogers aquatic center

Here’s that toilet bowl thingie on the right.

rogers aquatics center

Plenty of spaces for the littles. And oh my gosh, did I mention children under 36″ get in FREE??? I could almost pass for that myself!

We so PriTAY!

rogers water park

My only beef: not enough shade. There are some tables next to the concession stand, and there are pavilions you can rent for parties. Other than that, it’s not the best place for the fair-skinned, or the wrinkle-averse. However, I was told this is not really a valid criticism for a water park. So there you have it. I’m a big baby.

But you know what? I don’t even care because the BEST part of our new water park is that kids 12 and over can hang out there WITHOUT adult supervision. Booyah!

There is so much I’m sure I missed. Like the light show, and the lily pad walk, and the huge (still clean, cross fingers) dressing/bathrooms. Honestly the place delivers. Go see for yourself.

Don’t forget to pick up your half-price passes. City of Rogers residents can get 10 visits for $42.50 until the park opens on May 25. Head over sometime this week to get your passes. I’ll be buying a few of those punch cards!

Official water park website here.

Special thanks to the City of Rogers and Arkansas Women Bloggers for hooking us up with a private tour on preview day.